Babbling

There are somethings that I don't think I'll truly understand about myself. One of those things is how I can want to be alone but at the same time I want company. Last night, everybody was getting ready to go out and get their party on to set off the four day weekend and all I wanted to do was just sit at home and watch t.v. by myself but I didn't want to be by myself. So I started thinking about who I could find to just chill with. Not just anybody would do. Normally when I'm feeling like this there are four people I go to here in Korea. One person is my boy Rob but he's gone to his new duty station back to states. We used to order up a bunch of food and sodas and pop in some Japanese anime or play X-Box until we got tired. Another person is my girl J but she's in the states right now on leave. We used to just chill and watch movies or t.v. all night until we fell asleep or listen to music and talk. Man, I miss you two. Things just ain't the same here now that you're gone. The other two people are down in Camp Humphreys. One is my homegirl Cass. We go waaaaay back like 8 track. We've been hanging out since we were back in A.I.T. back in 99. What we do is stay up all night until 8 in the morning watching movies or just talking about old times and wait to see who fell asleep first. The other person is my boy Chris. We go waaay back too. We'll go to a resturant and just chill. All three of use were stationed in Korea together my first tour. Back in the day, if all of us were together with some of the other kats that were in my company, you knew there was going to be trouble. Things have changed since those days. Cass settled down and got married to a friend of ours. Chris settled down and is getting married this year. Me, I'm not as off da chain as I used to be and I really toned down. We all slowed down. We got old...LOL. Matured a whole lot. It's hard to believe sometimes how much time and experience changes people.

Weather

When did the weather change? When did my days change from sunny to gray and has my sunshine truely gone away? With each rain drop, little by little, memories come and go. Memories of an earliy morning sun that used to reach out with warm fingers, caressing my face and welcoming me to a new day. The stunning brillance of a cloudless noon day sky which cast no shadows. The evening star's radiance that decorated the heavens with different tones of beauty. Where have those days gone? I knew there would be days when the rain had to fall. The showers cleansed and brung with it renewed growth and balance but things started becoming erratic. Drizzle turn into light rain then heavy until there was a dulge so large it couldn't be contained or concealed. How could my enviroment change so much in so short of time? I'm starting to see opennings in the clouds time after time that allow me to feel your rays but are these moments of warmth just that, moments. Or is it a sign that there is still hope and the storm is finally subsiding?

Slim Tee

I just finished reading my homegirl's newest blog entitled "Sister" and automatically thought of you. You're one of the hand full of people who know me better than most (the good, the bad, and the ugly side of me). My family took you in as one of their own. The older sister I never had. Toonces, you know I had to write something about you. I remember when we first met. My first impression was "this chick is crazy. She looks like she weighs a buck 20 and she's making threats." I would later find out that yep, you were crazy." I think about the little arguments we used to have and the threats that were made. It would get to the point where one of us would get frustrated and pop the other upside the head or you'd fight dirty and threaten to call my mama or you'd actually call my mama. How you gonna get mama involved? We helped keep each other in check even when we both "didn't want to do right." I appreciate that comment you left and thank you for the advice. I miss you too and the kids. If anything ever happened and you needed someone to look after Kiya and Kiara, you know I got you. Keep your head up, be patient, and don't worry about me, I got things under control. Oh and by the way, you're in trouble and no you can't blame me this time, that was all you.

WARNING

WARNING...These are just some thoughts that came across my mind lately. I needed to vent and try to get my thoughts in order so I'm doing it here in hopes of writing and reading it will give me some clarity. I may or may not act upon the thoughts that are written. Keep in mind, I am venting. Toonces, even though I tried to deny it the last conversation we had, I'm starting to see where you were coming from and I'm starting to think you were right. Me and you are almost one in the same on how we handle things and I'm now I'm slowly starting to sink back into my old ways: Taking care of #1 and starting not to giving two scoops about what everybody else thinks or says. Now some of you might say, "Well that's the way it's supposed to be anyways" but what some of you maybe thinking and what I used to do are two seperate entities. You tried to warn me but you know how I am especially when I think I'm right. Now I keep asking myself, do I really want regress back to that state of mind. Part of me says no. I've come a very long way to get where I'm at and that battle wasn't easy. Reverting back would be like a slap in the face to some and all that work would of been for naught. On the other hand the other part of me says, "Do what you gotta do." I've burned bridges and cut people off before with no regrets and no remorse. If you got dealt a dirty hand, you got dealt a dirty hand. Deal with it, know what I mean. That was the way I was done by people who called themselves my friends in the past so I picked up on it that trait and applied it for myself. Granted, that made a lot of people mad but some got over it and at least I wasn't the one being done dirty anymore. But then I begin to thinking about the phrase"what comes around goes around" and the scripture in Hebrews 10:30 that says"Vengeance belongeth onto me, I will recompense, saith the Lord." I remember a prayer that my friend Amy used to pray for her friends and family. It ended with "and let those who come against my friends and family get it back 7 fold." I don't wish the Lords vengeance on anyone. Trust, it may not happen right away but when it does, it's not a pretty thing. I also think about Matthew 6:14-15: "For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." Hmm... now that's something to think about and it gave me the peace of mind I needed.

Words

Why is it so hard to let go of what some people say sometimes? You gotta ask yourself is this person that important that they influence your life and your attitude to the point that they steal your joy and turn you away from people who you call friends and family? You got to let this thing go and move on. Last year when you told me that you and ol'gurl were talking again but on friendly terms, you surprised me. I was so proud of you. To me you showed that despite what happened in the past, you swallowed your pride and you were willing to try and take steps towards forging some sort of friendship and get a better understanding of each other. When you showed me what she said, it kind of made me angry but it just shows that she doesn't trust you and it shows what she truly see you as... her enemy. I know this is a hard thing for you walk away from but it's something you gotta do or you'll end up hurting or pushing away those who love you the most. Brush that dirt off your shoulder. I know things might be hard for you right now but keep your head up and keep pressing on. Better days are coming.