In the Dark

Sometimes I wonder what is God's plan is for my life. He's allow me to see bits and pieces of the picture from time to time but I'm curious. I don't want to see it all, just a few more pieces of the puzzle. What would you do if you could see your whole life played out for you? Would you really want to know all the hurts you would experience. All the loves you'd find or how you would spend your last days? Would you try to change the events that would take place? If I was offered the chance to see my entire life, I can honestly say I'd turn down the offer. I see life as an adventure that's full of surprises. Some good, some bad, but that what makes it interesting. That's what makes it worth wild. There is one thing I would like to know about my life though. Who am I suppose to be with? Who is that special someone? I've been waiting for a long time, been through a few relationships, learned a lot of things from those relationships. I'm mean, I'm a patient person but my God...LOL. Can you give me a sign? Point me in the right direction? Shine a light or something because I'm sure nuff in the dark.

"The Moment"

You ever have a song or cd that reminds you of an event or a person? This morning I was looking through my collection of cds looking for something to mellow me out after being hyped up by this morning's basketball game. What I found was my old Kenny G "The moment" cd. Hopped in the shower and as I listen to the cd, the memories start flooding my mind and the tears started flowing down. The memories were of my Grandma, Bessie Davis. It's around this time of year that I really start thinking about her because spring time was our favorite time of the year. It was during this time when we used to sit out on her front porch and just talk about the weather, family, life or whatever crossed our minds or we'd just sit there and watch as the cars drove by and the squrriels played or listened to the birds. Sometimes we'd just sit and not say a word. God I miss her. My only reget is not getting the chance to really tell her how much I loved her and appreciated her love and kindness before she passed away. I remember when she used to call me buddy when I was little(a nickname she gave all the younger males in the family). How I use to lay up in her lap and go to sleep. Or how she use to fix me breakfast before I caught the bus to go to school in the morning and then watch cartoons with me in the afternoon until my mom got off work to take me home. She had one of those funny laughes that would make everybody else laugh...well at least me anyways...LOL. I remember how we use to go out and feed the cats or the chickens or how we used to go out in her back yard to pick apples and grapes during the warm months and pecans in the fall when I was little. When I was a teen, it tickled me that I was taller than she was(she was 5'0 I think). I use to tell her, "Grandma, you're really short" and she'd laugh and reply with something smart or she'd pop me with the fly swatter or a newspaper. One memory that sticks out the most was that she love to collect a certain vine plant. She use to have pots full of them on the front porch. It's the same vine plant that I've collected each time I moved to a new duty station since I joined the military and I have one in my window now. Everytime I see it, I think of her. As I started to become a man, she used to tell me how proud of me she was and said she knew that I was destine for great things. I know she's up above watching over me. Sometimes I wonder what she's thinking up there or what's she saying about her family. Is she proud of how the family turned out? I know some of us aren't as close knit as we used to be and that certain bonds have been broken or seperated. What does she think of her grandchildren and great grandchildren? I know we all as a family have a ways to go and we all have stumbled along the way of this path called life. Despite what some of us may think, we're not perfect. We all have faults. The important thing is to move on, strengthen the bonds we have and try to mend the bonds that have become shattered. I know it's a hard thing to do but some of us need to learn how to forgive and learn to love again. Don't let hurt and hate consume and harden your heart. Let it go. Just know that if you ever need my help, I'll be there by phone, e-mail, and if need be in person. Same goes for all my friends reading this too. If you need me, I got you covered.

Birthday Thoughts

What do you think about on your birthday? Do you think about how you're going to celebrated it? Where you're going to celebrate it at or who you're going to spend it with? Me, I'm thinking about past birthdays. I think since I've been in the military, I had only three birthdays that didn't have any drama in them. My first one in the military I spent at home with my family. I was on leave at the time in-between A.I.T. and my first tour in Korea. My second one was in Korea and it lasted for two days straight with no sleep in between. My third one was spent in Norfolk. A close friend of mine wanted a one on one thing. She wanted to take me out and get dinner and a movie. I ended up spending the whole night turning down offers to be taking out by my friends waiting for a phone call from her that didn't come until after midnight. I had Arby's for dinner that night. Fourth birthday in the military I didn't feel like having a lot of company so I spent it one on one with a friend who took me out to dinner at the "Great Steak Place." Let me tell you, that steak was off da chain!!! I had a lot of friends mad at me that night. Fifth Birthday I split it up into two days to spend it with everybody. The first night I was tricked into going out to this country club called the banque. I didn't think I'd have a good time because country music really ain't my thing but I ended up having a really good time. The second night I spent at this place called Manhattans. It's was more of a layed back chill and talk place. That was a good night. A butt load of people showed up for that one. I'm not the type of person who likes or demands a lot of attention but that night the light was on me. That night I shined. What will this birthday hold?

The Truth

Why am I trippin tonight? Why can't I fall a sleep? Because I have you on my mind again and I don't know how to handle it so I'm writing. I haven't felt this way in a long time. You weren't suppose to happen. How did you sneak in under my radar in the first place? When we met, I wasn't looking for someone new. At the time, I did my dirt on someone I barely knew and she did her dirt on me too. As far as I was concerned, I was through with the dating thing. I was happier being alone...so I thought. But then you showed up out of nowhere with no warning. I think we both were looking for friendship but it turned into something a little more than we bargained for. How did that happen? Some nights I wake up expecting you to be there right beside me but when I roll over no one's there. Remember when I told you about that dream I had during lunch that one day about someone tickling me in my sleep. What I didn't tell you was that I thought it was you who was tickling me. I thought I had left my door unlocked and you were trying to be sneaky. I woke up and looked around the room to see if you were hiding but you were no where to be found. Damn I miss you. I really do miss our late night talks. It took me a while to really open up to you because of my past but you kept chizzling at the wall and started to break through. It was nice having someone I could trust and care for like that and they'd cared for me. I dropped my defenses so much that I started slippin. There were a lot of mornings when I was almost late for P.T. all because I didn't want to leave your side. All I wanted to do was be with you. I didn't care if I got in trouble. When I was with you, it felt as if I could take on anything and anyone. I started falling for you hard. There were a few times I almost slipped and told you that I loved you. The reason I held back was because I didn't want to scare you away but I ended up scaring you anyways. Now all I have is just your friendship and memories of yesterday. It's all good though. I'd rather have you as a friend than not at all. It still doesn't change the way I feel about you though. I loved you and I still love you. Know that.

Apology

I apologize.
I realize now that I was wrong. I was wrong for the way I treated you. Instead of believing what I knew to be true, I let others influence my thoughts. You opened up to me all the time sharing your dreams, your hopes, your fears and I kept you at arms length never truly letting you in. And for that I am truly sorry. It meant a lot to me to hear you say I played a major part in your life. You were wrong about the roll you played in mine. You don't know how big of a part you played. You were my shelter. My hiding place :-). When we first met, you reminded me of me when I first joined the military. Fresh out of school, straight out of control at times, and grimy. But you started to grow and mature and now your over in Cali now doing big things. I'm proud of you kid. You inspire me to do big things here in Korea. When we cross paths again, you'll have to show me some good steak places up in New York or in Texas. Take it easy Turkey B. Don't be a stranger.