Reflection

When I was a young PFC in the Army, I was out of control. Every night to me was a party and nobody couldn't tell me nothing because I thought I knew everything. That was until I got drunk one night, got in a fight and spent half the night in the hospital for punching through the glass walls of a phone booth and spent the other half of the night in jail. That had to be one of the lowest times of my life. I couldn't even bring myself to tell my family what happened. The only person I really told what happened was my then fiance Toni. She helped me through a lot. If you're reading this shorty, I appreciate what you did for me during that time. I needed that shoulder to cry on and that ear to listen. You will forever and always be my friend no matter what may come. There was also someone else who helped me through this time in my life. He later on became my mentor during my first assignment. His name was 1SG McDuffy but during this time he was a Master Sergeant new to the command. When I first met him, I was outside mowing grass and picking weeds as part as my punishment and he was taking a break from inprocessing. He walks up to me and asks how I am. He then says, "I heard about what you did. You don't seem to be that type of person" and proceded to describe me to the T. I asked him how he knew so much about me because before that day, I never talked to that dude other than the usual good morning. He simply said, "it's the way you appear." That's something that's been on my mind as of late. How do I appear to people? Does my reflection show who I am inside?

Queen of my Heart

Out of all the people who have been there for me, she was the first. She was the first person who has taught me how to treat a lady and how to be a man of compassion and love. She's the one that I know no matter what I do or how I act, she'll still love me and never leave me nor lose touch with me no matter where I go in the world. If I'm ever having a bad day I can always count on her to cheer me up. If I have a serious problem or obsticale in my way, her encouragement has always helped me overcome. Her hugs are like a warm blanket on a cool night. Her words are like the sweet fragance of honeysuckle in the springtime. If you ever meet her, she'll always make you feel welcomed and loved. She's could be the greatest friend you'll ever have. But don't mistake her kindness for weakness. She can hold her own if need be. Who is this woman? She's the Queen of my Heart. I love you mama. You know I had to do a blog about you. Thank you for being you and I appreciate all the things you have done and are yet doing for me. For sticking by me and going to bat for me when friends and family wouldn't. For those beatings I used to get when I was younger. For the prayers that you pray every day and every night still. I know you got my back no matter what and you know I have yours. Keep doing what your doing and brush those haters off. I'll see you soon. You already know it's going to be on and popping when I get home. I miss and love you more than you know.

-From your #1 son

Paths Crossed

The first time our paths crossed, everything inside was half broken from the last route I took. But you started mending the shards and cracks. Scrubbing at the years of tarnish until it began to shine new. Adding on new editions bringing me back to mint condition then boosting my value. Making me a new man knowledgable in the art of love. Turning the follower into a leader. I never knew you could have that effect on me. It's hard for me to understand why you took time out of your time to put forth such an effort in the first place. Was it because you saw something in me worth savaging? Did you see before hand the man I would be or could become? Or was I just some side project? Something to amuse you until something else new came along? Either way you left a lasting mark. You've changed my perception of the world and it's people. You've shown me that I'm human, I make mistakes. And for that, I should be grateful.

Walls

In a relationship, when is it safe to reveal all of you? That's something that's been on my mind lately. I've been in a lot of relationships. Been hurt before in a lot of different ways. Had my feelings played with. Been used for money and gifts. And the thing is, the only person I can really blame is myself. I set myself up to be placed in those positions. Why? A friend once told me I was too nice. That I let a lot of stuff slide that shouldn't. That I'm too trusting. A lot of people mistake being nice for being weak. And in a way, my friend was right but that's the way I am. Somewhere down the line, I started to become less trusting in my relationships. I would only show the person I was with a small sample of who I was. Would always be on the defensive trying to protect my feelings because I was afraid of getting hurt. It's something that I'm now trying to change in me but it's hard to do something like that when you been that way for years. I know a couple of my peeps who are reading this are like me when it comes to putting up walls around your heart. Take it from me, it's not a good thing. Plus if you're already in a relationship, it's not fair to the other person. It's like my girl boogie says: Sometimes you gotta take that risk and put your heart on the line. Show that person all of you. Let them know how you feel. Don't hold back. If you don't you'll end up with a lot of what if's and why didn't I's. Know what I mean. Toonces, when I was writing this I had you in mind shorty slim. I remember our last conversation. Just like me, you gotta let go of past hurts and move on to bigger and better things. I know it's hard but I have hope that you'll find that special someone that's just for you. You deserve that. Keep your head up sis. Never let them see you sweat.

Brandy

You know you were wrong writing what you did LOL!!! I was saving this for another day but after that comment you left, I thought why wait for tomorrow what you can do today. This one is dedicated to my homegirl, sister, friend, and conscience. You've been there for me and still are there for me no matter what. Yep, this is for you Brandy. You know I haven't and can't forgot about you kid. You done so much for me, one blog wouldn't be enough to show my appreciation. I can honestly say that your the only person who knows more about me than my family does. You've been there with me and for me through some of the toughest times of my life.

Appreciate

"You never truly appreciate a good thing until it's gone." I've heard that more times than I can count. And you know what, it's true. That was something I learned at an early age. My family wasn't the wealthiest family. There were times when we went without. One time we were without a home and my grandma took us in until we could get back on our feet. There was another time when we were without running water because our underground well dried up. The city at the time wouldn't run a water line through our part of town because they said it was too far out of city limits. We had to buy those big red plastic gasoline jugs and fill those up with water from my grandma's house just so we could cook and boil water to wash ourselves and do the dishes. I remember when we finally got running water again it felt like Christmas day. That day felt unreal. I had a new found appreciation for something that a lot of people take for granted. A lot of people do that with their friends and family. They'll have someone that's always there for them. A person who's there to listen or just to hang with. Don't let these things that people do for you go unnoticed. Let these people know that you appreciate them and what they do. A simple thank you or a hug can mean so much. It's the little things that count. To all my peeps that are reading this, I thank you for all you've done for me. I appreciate all you did for me and for me getting me to the point where I'm at now. I wanna give a special thanks to my baby. I thank you for sharing your world with me and allowing me to share my world with you. For giving me your trust. For putting up with me. For increasing my knowledge. For being my 5 and 6. I appreciate you ma. Never forget that.

For Pops "Thank you"

Last entry I said that I felt helpless, weak, and scared. That’s not me. That's not my personality. My pride won’t let me be like that. That’s the attitude I got from my pops. I use to and still do look up to my pops. I can remember him coming home from work sometimes and you know he’d be dog tired because he was a fixer at a textile mile. Putting in over time just to put food on the table, keep the lights on, and clothes on our back. But no matter how tired he was, he almost always made time for the family. Mom would be sleep sometimes because she worked the night shift so it was him who helped me with my homework or cooked dinner. I remember he would sit down with me sometimes at the kitchen table trying to help me with homework but would end up falling a sleep on the table. Snoring and drooling. Yeah, I had to call you out. Pops, thank you for all that you’ve done and for helping me become the man I am today. If it wasn't for you, I would probably be out on the streets selling rock. I love you man. More than you’ll ever know. Your words of encouragement and your mentorship mean a lot. Thank you for staying with moms and us. I honestly don’t know where we’d be with out you. Keep your head up and keep doing what you do. I'm proud of you man.

Dizziness

It’s starting again. I didn’t think I’d experience the symptoms while I was here in Korea but it’s happening again just like it did the first time in Norfolk. Every single time it happens, it catches me off guard and has me shook like I’m going to pass out or something. There’s nothing that can really be done about it. All I can do is just sit down or lean up against something, pray, and wait for it to passes. The only thing that can reduce the occurrence and intensity of the symptoms is allegra and sometimes allegra alone won’t help so it has to be combined with flonase. What is it that I have? It’s called Labyrinthitis. Labyrinthitis is an inflammation or dysfunction of the cavities and canals in the inner ear. The syndrome is defined by the acute onset of vertigo that commonly is associated with head or body movement or in my case it’s my sinuses during the spring and fall months that cause inflammation of a nerve in my inner ear. Nausea, vomiting, or malaise often accompanies the vertigo.
Vertigo is the subjective sensation of environmental movement that may be experienced as a mild subjective instability of the surroundings or, in its most severe form, as a spinning sensation. In layman’s terms, it feels like I’m on a ship being tossed in a storm or an airplane experiencing bad turbulence. The sensation can last anywhere from a few second to a few minutes. Depending on how often it occurs and the intensity, it can leave me feeling really tired and sick. Trust, it ain’t no little thing and it ain’t joke. I hate feeling like this. Helpless, weak, and scared.

Dirt

I've learned a lot of things over the years. One of the things I've learned is that if you do dirt, sooner or later it'll come out in the open. No matter how secretive or cautious you try to be. Your body language will give you away. People see things. People talk. Granted you can't always believe what people say and every one's perception of things is different. There are people out there who have nothing better to do than to speak dirt on you just to cause drama to make they're own lives interesting or to make themselves look good. What's up with that? Why do people do dirt in the first place? There are many reasons. The main reason I believe is for personal gain and acceptance. They look out for themselves not thinking about who they may hurt and what the consequences of their actions maybe. I learned that lesson the hard way many times. I have lost friends and personal relationships because of dirt. Once a friend's trust had been violated, it's hard to gain back and even when you gain it back there are doubts. Doing dirt on someone doesn't justify anything. Doing dirt back on someone that's done dirt to you doesn't justify anything. Two wrongs don't make a right. I believe that what comes around goes around. If someone's done dirt on you, they'll get there's sooner or later. Know what I mean.

Change

Who am I....
I find myself asking that question sometimes.
I'm I still that kid from NC trying to look out for everyone else but himself?
I'm I still that juvenile fresh out of high school who's just learning what the real world is all about and what it has to offer?
I'm I still that young snot nosed soldier who threw caution to the wind and tried to run the streets? Who didn't care what no 1 said or thought because he thought he was grown.
I'm I still that brotherly figure to those who needed my counseling on different aspects of life?
I'm I still that man who stands by his word and his beliefs.
Who am I....

As my 25th birthday approaches I have been taking a long look at my life past, present, and future. Where I came from and where I'm going; The goals in life I set before myself and how I'm going to achieve the ones not accomplished yet; and how I feel about my life right now in general. Am I'm happy with my life right now? I can honestly say yes. I got family and friends who love, care, and support me. I got a woman who's all that I wanted and so much more. I have a job where I can travel different places and see the world. I have some money in the bank and I'm almost debt free. I'm not saying I don't have my problems every once in a while but with God's help and the help of friends and family, I overcome and learn from all obstacles set before me. Life's good. As I look over my life I see that I've changed a lot both; physically, mentally, and spiritually. Some changes were bad, some were good. Change is constant.
Change is something that'll happen whether we want it to or not. How things change depends on you. If you want something to change in your life, don't sit around and wait for it to happen, make it happen. It's choice not chance that determines your destiny. Don't be afraid of change. Step out in faith. Norman Vincent Peale once said: Change your thoughts and you change your world. Proverbs 23:7 says: For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he. Need I say more. Is there something in your life that you would like to change?